From the Attorney General's suggestion box

NOTE: A guy I know who works at the Justice Department sent this to me in response to the establishment of an online suggestion box by the Attorney General Eric Holder. His name is a pseudonym.


Dear Attorney General Holder,

This idea of yours to have a suggestion box is brilliant! Thank you so much. It shows that you have confidence in the career staff at DOJ in a way that your predecessors never had. Really, those guys mistrusted us as far as the day is long. I'm so glad to see this change in attitude at the top. And, wow! You're going to personally review as many of our suggestions as possible? I'm very impressed!

My suggestion has to do with wasting water. The urinal on the right in the men's room at Room 1549 in the Main Building won't stop running, and it's wasting a huge amount of water, which is environmentally harmful. Something needs to be done about it.

OK, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, "Why doesn't he just call Building Maintenance?" But I have, repeatedly. Whenever you call Building Maintenance, you either get voice mail and they don't call you back or you get some dim, unhelpful person who says they'll get back to you, which of course they don't.

Cordially,
Lawrence R. Flambeaux
Criminal Division

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Dear Attorney General Holder,

The water in the urinal is still running. Surely there must be something that can be done about it. Maybe you can do something?

Cordially,
Lawrence R. Flambeaux
Criminal Division

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Dear General Holder,

I called Building Maintenance again today. Three times, actually. I finally got someone who told me there was an emergency at 1100 L St. and there were no maintenance staff available. Does this make sense? Don't we have enough maintenance personnel to cover more than a single emergency? And it's only one urinal, but lots of water's being wasted.

Cordially,
Lawrence R. Flambeaux
Criminal Division

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Dear General Holder,

Believe it or not, I got a call today from Building Maintenance that someone was heading over to the men's room. So I met him there. I think you'll like this story. I started to explain to him what the problem was, as if any remotely sentient being would have had trouble figuring it out, and get this – the guy didn't speak a word of English! Not a word! "No problem," I said to myself. I speak a decent amount of Spanish – I'm not fluent, mind you, but I know a decent amount. So I explained it to him in Spanish. He just stared at me. Then he left a sign on the urinal, and it was written in Chinese – at least, that's what I think it was (could have been Japanese). I was pretty embarrassed.

But the urinal is still running and wasting water. And who's going to be able to read that sign, anyway?

Larry Flambeaux
Criminal Division

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General Holder,

This may sound a little gross, but have you ever heard this? "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." I mention this because it ain't workin' here.

You know, I've always wondered whether that yellow/mellow stuff was just an excuse for guys not to flush after themselves. And personally, I find that really disgusting. But it's all hypothetical now, since Building Maintenance isn't doing a damned thing about the urinal in Rm. 1549.

Larry Flambeaux
Criminal Division

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AG Holder,

Every day, I thank my lucky stars you and the President are in town. I almost said "thank God," but that really isn't appropriate for a government mail system. Separation of church and state, and all that. Which is something that John Ashcroft NEVER cared about when he was here.

I know a fact about Ashcroft that I don't think ever made it to the press. I'll bet you haven't heard this. You know that curtain he put up in front of the statue in the Great Hall with the exposed breast? The curtain was there not because of the breast but to cover a statue of Jesus that he had hidden there, attached to the woman's hip. I saw it with my own two eyes. I almost took matters into my own hands and removed it myself, but I know there are cameras in the Great Hall.

Damn, that made me mad!

Oh, by the way, I totally forgot to check the urinal this morning. Hold on a minute....

Yeah, it's still running.

Larry/Crim

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Attorney General Holder,

Speaking of the Great Hall, which I mentioned in my previous message, I heard your speech at the African-American History Month event in the Great Hall back in February, and I say, Bravo! What was it you said? We're a nation of cowards for not speaking about race? I think I'm pretty brave, but I guess I really am a coward.

I don't know if you've heard this about me – it's well known in my section, but I'm not sure it's made its way up to the 5th floor – but I've been having some problems in my marriage. You know, most guys have problems with their mothers in law, but mine is cool. It's my father in law who's the problem. The guy is a total stinking drunk. It's scary! And he's got a foul mouth and is a racist to top it off. When he's drunk, he makes David Duke sound like Martin Luther King, Jr., if you know what I mean. I've had a bunch of run-ins with him, and my wife agrees with me, or so she says, but she's so loyal to him because he's her father, she just sticks up for him all the time. I can't stand it. And it's caused a lot of friction between us.

So how can I not be a coward if speaking about race is causing this kind of trouble for me? I've been mulling that problem since you gave your speech a couple of months ago. Maybe you have an idea?

I've started to think about this conundrum all the time, in the strangest places – like the men's room – which reminds me that Building Maintenance still hasn't fixed the urinal.

LRF/Crim

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AG Holder,

May I call you Eric? I feel as if we've become very close after I wrote you about my marital problems. I don't know. I'm a little uncomfortable with it, so you tell me. If you think I'm being too familiar, let me know. OK?

I have to tell you about my latest trouble with Building Maintenance. Today, I called again, and the phone rang four times before it rolled over. Naturally, I expected it to go to voice mail – or perhaps someone's cell phone. But after three more rings, someone picked up and answered, "Thank you for calling Domino's Pizza. Would you like to place an order?"

Domino's! Isn't the owner of Domino's one of those crazy baby-hugging anti-abortion freaks? And the pizza sucks, too. Yuck! That Manhattan Deli place, though, is really good. I recommend it. It's at the Navy Memorial across the street.

So, anyway, no luck with the running urinal today.

Larry

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AG Holder,

I know how busy you must be, with all of the things going on at DOJ and having to make decisions about prosecuting former DOJ officials – torture is serious business. But so is this problem with the urinal. I still can't get Building Maintenance here to fix it.

Do you think maybe the Deputy Attorney General could look into this?

Do you think, possibly, he knows Chinese?

Larry

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Eric,

You haven't told me I'd be too familiar, so let me call you Eric after all, AG Holder.

If you ever institute a Have-A-Beer-With-A-Career-Guy Day, I'll be the first to volunteer. I'd really love to talk to you in person. I've got strong preferences in beer, and I can show you a couple of truly excellent pubs and bars. Some have great microbrews. I actually ran into Alberto Gonzales at one of them, which almost led me to leave – what a scandal for the Department that he was ever here in the first place, worse than Ed Meese! – you should hear some of my stories about AG/AG. A political hack of the first order.

About the urinal that's still running, I've been thinking about sending in my own plumber, the guy who does a lot of work for me at home. Really talented guy, not too expensive, either. But my section chief told me the cost couldn't be reimbursed, and I probably couldn't get him through security, anyway. Not that he's a terrorist threat or anything. After all, he cut off his ties with Hezbollah nearly five years ago. I just mean that it's hard to get people in the building nowadays.

But tell me what you think of that idea? Suppose I pay for HALF of it myself?

Larry

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AG Holder,

You're a miracle worker! Or maybe the DAG is. Whichever of you made it happen.

The urinal has stopped running. It's been fixed! It works again! Funny – I never thought I'd be so excited by a toilet!

I don't know if I should admit this – it might sound a little weird – but I was so excited about this that I stood beside the urinal and flushed it over and over again, just to watch it work. It stopped each time, the way it should.

Thanks again!

Larry

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AG Holder,

Maybe it's too soon to bother you again, and if so, I apologize. I'd hate it if you thought I was a pest.

But here's the thing: We're always running out of toner in our machine in the copy room.

Can we talk about this over a beer?

Larry