Most of the time, I simply ignore the catalog. I consider it one step behind the barf bag when I think of things I'd like to grab during my flight.
But maybe I'm being unfair. I returned on Tuesday from a business trip, and with nothing to do on the plane, I pulled out the SkyMall catalog. It turns out to have enough items in it to justify making some recommendations to my loyal readers.
Here is your official Pillage Idiot guide to SkyMall gifts:
1. If you're a dork with raging hormones, you might consider wearing a pair of these dorky sunglasses, because hidden in them is a video recording system that allows you discreetly to capture video of that chick you've been afraid to approach. That's not how they're being sold, of course, but I'm fairly sure I know the audience. Listen, they're certainly not the "catcher cams" that Fox Sports uses to show herky-jerky images of Oliver Perez's latest gopher ball.
2. This is actually pretty cool, if you ask me: A remote-controlled tarantula. You never know when you'll need one to rid yourself of your dear Aunt Mabel, who's been camping out at your house for the past two weeks and shows no signs of leaving. If Mabel isn't afraid of tarantulas, there's also a remote-controlled black-widow spider. Seriously.
3. I suppose Aunt Mabel wouldn't fall for the trick if the spider took voice commands, but here's something that does. Your teenager. No, only kidding. Your teenager doesn't take any kind of command, voice or otherwise. But a very realistic looking R2D2 does, and you can purchase it for only $169.95. C3PO not included.
4. It's not fair to say that Successories has jumped the shark, because it's always been on the far side of that shark. But I'm sure you'll love its collection of "The Inspirers," these absolutely awful likenesses of the greatest presidents in U.S. history: Lincoln, Kennedy, and the most recent Nobel Peace Prize winner, Barack Obama, with the inscriptions "Bravery," "Courage," and "Hope," respectively. As a bonus, you can have a similar likeness of Michelle Obama, our 45th president, with the inscription "Belief" -- if you can believe that. You can also purchase the "First Couple Diptych," a line I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole, or the "Presidential Triptych." My serious question is: Whatever happened to Bill Clinton in the minds of these people? Is he chopped liver?
5. More New York baseball stadiums were destroyed at the end of the 2008 season than ever before, and you, too, can commemorate the final pitches at Yankee Stadium and Shea Stadium with these fine replicas. You can even buy a collector's showcase with lights. I'm puzzled, though, by the dates on the Yankee Stadium replica. The House that Ruth Built was reopened in 1976 after renovation, but Mr. Ruth died in 1948. Perhaps they should have used the original opening date of 1923.
6. Possibly the greatest item in the entire catalog is this one, which I strongly recommend you men wear to that pub down the street the next time you stop in there for a couple of brewskis. You're going to need a head massage after the blokes at the pub are done with you. This one had me laughing so hard on the plane that I forgot to activate the video recorder on my sunglasses.
7. You folks who think we'll need to give up all our modern amenities when we return to a prehistoric hunter-gatherer existence to combat anthropogenic global warming are dead wrong. Capitalism has saved us again. Check out this gizmo that uses wind and solar power to recharge your cell phone. Critical, because you're definitely going to need your phone when that mastodon starts charging after you.
8. If you're a guy and your hair deserts you like your past six girlfriends, you know what the solution is, right? Bathe regularly. Women like that. But as for your hair, try the concentrated power of laser photo-therapy. Because beaming lasers at your scalp can only help, and if it doesn't help your hair, you can still do your next business presentation on your scalp. Just don't lase me, bro!
9. And now, some equal time for my female readers. I haven't figured out whether SkyMall thinks women are its best customers or whether, instead, they think men will buy these things for the women in their lives, sort of like Victoria's Secret. Whatever the thinking is, there's a lot to choose from for women in this catalog. Here's a solution to a problem I didn't know existed: butts that aren't big enough. If yours is too small, have they got the answer for you! Try these body figure enhancing pads. That's their term, not mine.
Second, if you have bulges in your back, try moving that holster down and to your side. If that doesn't help, here is something to eliminate those unsightly back bulges.
Third, I didn't realize women had to protect their bras. I always assumed this was one of those few remaining caveman functions that men were responsible for. You know, "Always protect your woman's bras." That's one of the top rules in the guy's code of ethics. But still, marketers are selling devices to women to protect their bras.
Finally, if you're a woman whose neckline is too low, there are two possible solutions. The easy but boring solution is simply to change your clothes. I don't think your clergyman wants you to show up in that outfit, anyway. The more difficult but interesting solution is to turn to SkyMall for Covertiques, which are clever types of underwear that allow you to buy clothes with a plunging neckline but also let you cover it up. I can't say I follow that thinking. It seems like going out and buying a nice steak dinner, and immediately throwing it out.
