On the fly

WARNING: This post is rated Code Orange (Puerile) on the Pillage Idiot Advisory System because it discusses certain bodily functions in a highly immature manner. Read it at your own risk.

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So right now, old Lance Armstrong is out there riding the Tour de France, and the question on everyone's mind is: How the heck does he do it?

And by "do it" I mean, relieve himself without losing time from his full day of crazy riding.

I'm going to give you the answer, but it will take a little while.  Grab a beer and lift up your footrest.

Some of you might be too young to remember this, but in 1995, congressional Republicans and President Clinton got into a standoff over spending. The government ran out of money and had to be shutdown. The impasse lasted for three weeks until -- and this will surprise you -- the Republicans caved. You've heard the expression, Don't bring a knife to a gun fight? Well, the Republicans typically show up at a gun fight with a line-drawing of a gun on note paper. I was pretty bitter about this at the time. I was probably the only employee of the federal government who actually supported the shutdown, and I was even willing to forego salary to get things right. Then Newt Gingrich made a fool of himself and Bob Dole caved. And I realize this is a perverse way of looking at the situation, but to me, they added insult to injury by eventually paying us for our forced time off. (I ended up donating a chunk of my unearned salary to charity.)

So why am I talking about this? One of the successful strategies used by Clinton during this standoff was the so-called Washington Monument strategy. In government, when you're told to tighten your belt, you force the appropriators to back down by inconveniencing the public, deliberately closing unimportant but very public functions of the government. Clinton either closed or threatened to close (I forget now, 15 years later) the national parks, including the Washington Monument, thereby inconveniencing visitors to Washington and making more of a splash than if he'd quietly chosen to cut funding to all the useless federal agencies we have in Washington.

Last month, we saw the Washington Monument strategy in play in Montgomery County, Maryland, where I live. Faced with budget shortfalls, the County's Parks Department announced it would have to remove 80 public toilets from the public parks unless -- and I highly commend this approach to the United Jewish Appeal/Federation -- it could find donors to endow the porta-potties in the parks:

Montgomery County's parks department is moving ahead with plans to seek private donors to endow portable toilets in the county's public parks, complete with a laminated plaque identifying the sponsor.

Parks chief Mary Bradford said Friday that she needs about $150,000 annually to keep the toilets, or about $65 a month per toilet, which covers rental, maintenance and other costs. Otherwise, when the fiscal year begins Thursday, the agency will begin to jettison 80 portable toilets. Some parks, which have permanent restrooms, will not be affected.

The Washington Monument strategy is supposed to be subtle. It should appear to be done reluctantly, after all other options have failed. But sometimes, it's too blatant, and people call you on it.

In Congress, proposing the elimination of something such as portable toilets is referred to as the "Washington Monument" strategy, meaning budget cutters outline politically unpopular reductions, and politicians are embarrassed into restoring the money.

But Bradford said that's not her plan.

"This is not a ploy," she said.

And by the way, in case you think I'm kidding about the sponsorships, take a look at the official website of the Parks Department. Believe me, it would almost be worth $65 a month to sponsor a Pillage Idiot Porta-Potty.

But even better than that, maybe we could get some porta-potties sponsored by Vicks VapoRub. The signs would say "Number One Cold Remedy." And while we're being really immature about it, why not Avis? "Number Two and Trying Harder." It wouldn't be long before we had political pissing matches in which candidates sponsored porta-potties in the names of their opponents. For instance, Bob Ehrlich: "This is where Gov. O'Malley's policies have taken Maryland." Barack Obama: "We inherited this $#!% from the previous administration." The possibilities are almost endless.

Sadly, the sponsorship program is, er, stalling. County residents don't seem to be able to see the humor in Parks Department's dire situation. But never fear, because the County has backed off:

There will be a place to answer the call of nature in Montgomery County's parks this holiday weekend. The parks department has scuttled -- for now -- a cost-cutting plan to withdraw more than 100 portable toilets.

Humor aside, I really don't understand the need for porta-potties in the county parks. Large segments of the Montgomery County demographic are from some rinky-dink country that doesn't even have indoor plumbing, let alone the custom of not relieving oneself in public areas. We've actually tried hard to assimilate our Canadians, but it's a work in progress.

As for ordinary bicyclists, like me, there really is less need for public restrooms than you would think. When you ride a bicycle and frequently re-hydrate yourself, you still usually end up on the negative side of the fluids ledger. Not much need for the potty. And when you do hear nature's call, porta-potties are usually not the answer. Let me explain.

Along Beach Drive in upper northwest Washington, where I often do Sunday rides, there are actually permanent buildings with rest rooms, mostly for picnickers, but also for the bicyclists. Public rest rooms like that are rare, but they're great, because you can actually bring your bike inside with you. I mean, think about it. A bike dude goes into a porta-potty and leaves his bike outside, and by the time he's taken care of business, some punk kid has jacked his bike and is already halfway across Indiana.

But what does happen if there's no perma-potty and no porta-potty? John Dingell, back in his pre-Newt heyday in the 1980s used to torture witnesses by refusing to take any breaks. He'd make witnesses squirm, because they couldn't leave the hearing room, while he personally had a catheter-like device hidden behind the chairman's desk. I would have thought that professional riders would use similar devices. Until I remembered that for professional bicyclists every ounce is precious.

To be candid, I actually never thought at all about what professional riders do with their bodily functions until I read a column by the "Bike Snob," called "Don't be a Pro," where the writer criticizes bike enthusiasts who try to act like the pros, by "maintaining a studied air of mild discomfort at all times while on your bike, wearing embrocation instead of tights and successfully urinating while riding." Say what? Yeah, that. And he closes the column with this advice: "There's nothing pro about urinating while riding if you have the luxury of getting off the bike. It's cooler to stop and smell the roses—or relieve yourself on them." This process should be referred to, in Obama-esque terminology, as the "public option."

Oddly, there's been a veritable rash of columns about relieving oneself. In the current issue of Bicycling Magazine, some columnist who throws the initials "J.D." after his name explains how to take a leak or worse without getting arrested. It's come to that.

Now that I've lost the one or two readers who waded deep into this sea of words, and I seem to have lost myself as well, I'd better get rapidly to the point. The point is that professional riders sometimes take potty breaks en masse and sometimes -- cover your eyes -- do it on the fly. Not through the fly -- bike shorts don't have 'em -- but on the fly. (I understand, though, that this is not permitted in American bike races.)

Not being a pro, I have no idea how to accomplish this feat while riding, even after reading the description in these two posts, which you should definitely read if you've made it this far. I certainly don't intend to try it.

I'm going to leave you with this: The issue is very important to the pros, so important that there's even etiquette about it. When the other guys have stopped by the side of the road, you don't try to take advantage by "attacking" -- by riding hard to gain distance from the pack. This will explain what happens if you do.

And finally, if you want WAY too much information from a pro about a "restroom" break that went awry, you can watch this video, which, to make matters worse, auto-starts when you click on the link. Turn down your speakers, and don't say I didn't warn you.