July 4, 2009
WHEREAS the Declaration of Independence was issued on July 4, 1776;
WHEREAS its principal author, Thomas Jefferson, was a slave-holder and, some say, the father of his slave Sally Hemings's children;
WHEREAS Charles Beard's Economic Interpretation of the Constitution suggests that the Constitution was established as a counter-revolution by moneyed interests against poor farmers and debtors;
WHEREAS the Constitution recognized and accepted the institution of slavery;
WHEREAS slavery was not abolished in this country until after 11 states had seceded from the Union and our nation's second-greatest president had led a civil war against the secessionist states;
WHEREAS former secessionist states enacted "Jim Crow" laws and erected other barriers to equality of former slaves and their descendants;
WHEREAS this nation continued to espouse segregation in its armed forces through World War II;
WHEREAS uneducated forces within this nation continue to oppose our progressive efforts to spread the wealth around a little;
WHEREAS the economic conditions caused by the former administration have impeded our ability to create or save millions of jobs;
WHEREAS reactionary elements in this nation intend to use the July 4 holiday to protest the forward-looking changes effected by this administration;
WHEREAS waterboarding is clearly a form of torture, except when it is used on reactionary elements in this nation;
WHEREAS Israeli settlements are an obstacle to my cap-and-trade legislation;
WHEREAS the Secretary of State needs to be under constant watch;
WHEREAS the First Lady's arms are a sight to behold and very much better in person, especially when she places her hand tightly around one's neck;
WHEREAS Winnie the Pooh's real name is Edward;
WHEREAS we should not be forced to make a false choice between Mary Ann and Ginger;
WHEREAS it is puzzling how sugar cubes can retain their shape of a cube when sugar is granular;
WHEREAS colorless green ideas sleep furiously;
WHEREAS, if my telepromter doesn't stop adding stupid whereases to this proclamation in order embarrass me, I'm going to replace it promptly;
WHEREAS traditional July 4 celebrations include outdoor barbecues, which cause unhealthy charring of meat as well as increased carbon emissions;
WHEREAS hot dogs should be served with a spicy mustard or something like that, or a Dijon mustard, something like that;
WHEREAS the American beer consumed at July 4 barbecues has an excessively watery taste and an unnecessarily high caloric level;
WHEREAS the fireworks that are widespread on or about July 4 have led to the unnecessary prescription of Valium to small dogs and will be strictly regulated under my new health-care plan, although your dog will not be forced to switch his health insurance if he's happy with what he has;
I, BARACK H. OBAMA, Messiah and 1st President of the United States of the Era of Redemption, hereby proclaim that July 4 shall be the day following July 3 in the calendar.
I mean, July 4, what's the big deal about independence from Britain? It's just one colonial-imperialist power telling another colonial-imperialist power to take a hike. What kind of power could England have been, anyway, if you can't even play American DVDs there? Or so I'm told.
I'm a student of history, so I know that when Queen Elizabeth II said, "We are not amused," it spoke volumes about the British people. Perhaps they'd be more amused and smile more if they got their teeth fixed. And have you seen the ears on that doofus prince they have there? They're twice the size of mine. This is the guy who's in line to be king, mind you, the veritable Joe Biden of the British monarchy.
I know it's traditional on July 4 to thank our military men and women for their sacrifices, but they don't understand sacrifice if they haven't been savaged by Fox News on a daily basis. Besides, I'm doing my best to bring as many of them home as possible from our losing battles in Iraq and Afghanistan. Just the other day, Jim Jones was saying to me that the colonels in Afghanistan are asking for more troops, not fewer. And I was, like, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?" And then suddenly it occurred to me: I don't even know WTF "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" means. Which is why I always do my best to stay far away from military matters.
So I think this day should be a time of reflection. A time to reflect upon the flaws in our nation's history, our repeated illegal and immoral interventions in the affairs of other nations, our mistreatment of our minority citizens and our poor. I urge all Americans to use this day to find some of the 6 billion or so non-Americans in this world and tell them how sorry you are. SRSLY, try it. Look for the meanest, most murderous, eyeball-popping hate merchant you can find and tell him, "Dude, I'm sorry about what my country did to you, but we inherited that stuff from the Bush Administration." And then, give him a hug.
Barack H. Obama
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